Sometimes no matter how hard you try, no matter how well you say it and no matter how politically correct you are somebody will respond to you with the nature of a fool.
In our anger management classes we give very clear directions to our students on how they should communicate their feelings. We encourage our students to use I statements. We teach them to recognize their feelings and then express them in a way that is most likely to be heard. We ask our clients to make sure their desires, need and concerns are clearly communicated.
But what if the individual you are communicating with could care less about your feelings? What if they are so consumed with themselves they can barely hear you speaking? What if their behavior never changes?
Some of our clients would say, "Well that is when I get loud" or "That is when I slap them across the head to get their attention." Although you may get their attention (and maybe slapped back) you will not necessarily get them to hear you. In fact aggressive communication only appears to keep the negative cycle going.
There is no doubt some people only respond to consequences. For whatever reason discomfort may be the only way to get their attention.
So are we advocating violence? No we are talking about natural consequences to ignorant actions.
Below are a few examples:
"If you continue to scream at me, I am going to ask you to leave."
"If you hit me, I am calling the police"
"If you refuse to do you share of the work, I have to talk to management."
"If you don't do your homework, there will be no TV."
"If you keep talking to her, we can not be together."
Once you have made your desires clear, and once you have expressed to an individual how their behavior effects you, if that person is not unwilling or unable to change, there must be consequences.
A consequence is an announcement to yourself and the other individual that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries, but a boundary is only as good as your willingness to carry it out.
You have heard the saying, "it is not a threat, it is a promise" Consequences are a promise to yourself that you will not allow others to walk over you. It is a promise you make to yourself that you will not permit someone else to treat you less than you would treat yourself.
Daybreak Counseling Service
Shannon Munford MS
http://www.daybreakservices.com/
twitter.com/angryinla
855-662-6437
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