Nowadays everyone seems to speak about this; every time they cross a person who has a bad day, the tendency is to tag them as "people with anger management problems". So, it seems like a new stuff, but how new is anger to the world?
The thing is that now, instead of kicking someone else's 'derrire' like on the old time, we just get into a program to help us overcome this attitude.
So what is anger and how does it manifest? Anger is a very common and destructive attitude that can basically focus on anything: people, animals, inanimate objects, etc. When we get angry, the tendency is to exaggerate the bad qualities of the 'offender, which makes us feel the pressing desire to hurt him/it.
We forget about the 'good old times' and build up a very negative image that makes us see all defaults and forget about the qualities. Though for many people this is just a temporary situation, all the damage created in that short period of time could, in some cases, have disastrous consequences for us and others. Have you ever been involved in a fight with your spouse where all that he/she says just has a tendency to irritate you more and more?
Notice then, when we are angry we built an imaginary castle around our mind, a filter that blocks good images and qualities, creating unrealistic faults and even non existing situations. So what, are we all mad? Absolutely not, we all go sooner or later through anger phases, it is a normal human emotion, the trick is learning how to control it, overtake it and how to prevent falling on the 'same old trick' of anger knowing that it is extremely destructive. And yes, you do have the right to be angry; but anger should not take control over the situation and your life.
One of the main causes of problems that destroy many couples is the lack of use of anger management techniques. Sharing our lives with that special person, puts us in a situation where we have to live in close contact with them; share our time, friends, home, secrets, habits, etc... In times we can guess (and them too), with an incredible precision their shortcomings and even anticipate certain situations. When we live in a close relationship, it also brings more opportunities for disagreements to arise, in this cases we must not only learn how to develop our love, but also our patience if we do not want the relationship to head for failure. Why waiting for a 'better time to tell him/her how I feel'? Perhaps it will come out wrong the day you say something, just because you held yourself for too long and anger takes over.
Are those happy moments becoming fewer and fewer, have they been replaced by never ending discussions? or, are you the kind of person that keeps all that anger inside waiting 'for the right time' to pour it all out?
In a way, you could be like a sleeping volcano, nevertheless very dangerous. Have you replaced in your mind those happy times by: 'he/she is a pain in the back' phrase?
Anger only steals from you the possibility of internal peace, joy, fulfillment, good sense; it could jeopardize your job/relationships, and much, much more. Are you ready for that?
There are several techniques that we use with clients dealing with anger management in our practice; I hope they will be to you as useful as they are for them:
Identify whatever triggers your anger. I have heard things like: the tone of voice when asked to do so and so, impoliteness, speaking to them while on the phone, lies, forgetting stuff, etc.
Recognize that as you make mistakes, others can make them too. Patiently show them the right way, or the way you prefer things to be done.
Acknowledge your anger taking over you, and replace it by positive behaviors. You will be surprised with the amount of patience and peace you will develop. Practice makes the master, practice, practice and practice.
Acknowledge that you cannot change or get rid of people that could eventually enrage you, but can definitely learn how to control your emotions.
Using relaxation techniques; such as: breathing, using soothing mental phrases to help you relax, changing or replacing mental picture of the problem, among others.
Instead of looking for a solution to the problem that makes you so angry and frustrated, work on a positive plan to face it or handle it.
These, among many others, are some of the options we could use to manage anger. It is important to know that anger cannot be completely eliminated (and it is also not advisable to do so), but you can certainly learn how to take control over it and become a more assertive and happy person.
If you feel that you probably need help to regain control of your life, if you have the impression that managing anger is something you cannot do on your own; do not hesitate and get in touch with someone who could help you develop techniques for changing that negative and damaging behavior.
Yuri Ferrer
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