Right now I have 3 coaches helping me build my social media and social marketing. This week I decided I really don't need 3 (since I'm paying them ALL!) Each one has been quite helping full in her own way (yes, all women!) I have found myself dwelling negatively on the one I decided to drop. Lots of negative thoughts, many times a day! I can just hear myself going on and on, "blah blah, blah blah, blah blah!" I'm even boring MYSELF because I keep having those same pessimistic conversations in my head!
Have you ever done something like this (or is it just me)?!
We do this often. In order to leave something we first start complaining about it a lot, out loud and in the back of our heads. This can go on for days, weeks, months, even years! Think back to the last time you or someone you know well left a relationship, a job, moved to a new house. Before you (or s/he) made the decision, how were you talking about the old situation? Negatively! How negative? It was extremely negative. Our friends get tired of hearing us going on and on - in fact, how many of us have had a friend talk to us, yet again!, about that same old issue -- relationship, work relationship, bad coworker, bad boss, bad neighborhood or bad neighbor, bad partner or spouse or whatever. And it just sounds like the most horrid situation. And how many of us have said to a friend, "Hey, if it's that bad, just quit!" "If it's that bad, just leave!" Have you had friends, family, a coworker, or your spouse say those same words to you? Quite likely.
We're caught in the Negative Thought Cycle -- each time we think something negative and say something negative about that situation, we are actually making the relationship or situation more dangerous to our safety brains. When we've finally thought negatively about it long enough and talked negatively about it long enough, our safety brain will decide that it is truly a dangerous situation, and we will end the relationship, quit the job, end a marriage.
We've talked negatively enough, been pessimistic enough, that we've finally talked ourselves out of the situation.
What's so interesting if that if you think back to that situation or person, do you also remember 3 weeks to 3 months after leaving that old situation, you started thinking, "Why did I leave? It wasn't so bad."
We don't have to build anger and resentment to make a change in our lives. And we really shouldn't. All that negativity comes from the safety brain and the safety brain is totally illogical and irrational--not the best part of us to be making decisions about our life!
In fact, we can get caught in the Negative Thought Cycle accidentally, on issues, situations and relationships that we love and that matter a lot to us.
Think about your life: have you talked yourself out of enjoying your job? Have you talked yourself out of enjoying your play time? Have you talked yourself out of enjoying your spouse? Have you talked yourself out of enjoying your children?
Once we start feeding the safety brain negative thoughts about a situation, and we make a habit of it, we will very quickly talk ourselves out of enjoying relationships, people and situations that we love -- but we accidentally fell into the negative thinking.
We need to learn to make changes in our life based on positive thinking and rational thinking, not on the irrational safety brain's made up fears! And we can logically weigh the positives and negatives and make a decision to change without falling into anger and resentment. Now, for me, having made the decision based on what I really need in my life and what will help drive my business forward, I need to have (for me) one of those hard conversations! I need to give that coach a call and tell her I'm moving on.
Here's one quick question to show if you are a negative person a pessimistic person, or if you are caught in the Negative Thought Cycle: can you, right here, right now, name 25 positive characteristics about that situation, house, job, or person?
If you can, you're making a logical, rational decision. You're a positive person and have a rational understanding of what works for you and what doesn't work for you. Go for it. If you can't! If you're having a hard time thinking of ONE positive about that person, place or situation you are solidly stuck in the Negative Thought Cycle. DON'T MAKE ANY IRREVOCABLE DECISIONS.
Here's your assignment! For the next 10 days, each and every day you have to make a list of 10 DIFFERENT positive characteristics of the situation you're thinking of leaving. IF you do this consistently AND IF, at the end of the 10 days, you still think you should change the situation - at least you will be making the logical, rational decision instead of letting your safety brain drive your life!
Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
Defuse (or Delete) difficult people in your life. Neutralize your anger. DON'T smack them upside the head! No more bodies buried under the copier! Go to http://angerisnotanemotion.com/ for free reports and e-books, podcasts, video series, and webinars to pick up thousands of tips and strategies so you can live in your calm, always!
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