When Someone Else Gets Angry At You, Do Not Take It Personally

Make no mistake about it, we have all had someone get angry at us and we wondered, what in the world is going on. Unfortunately at the time we did not understand someone else directing their anger at us had nothing to do with us.

What do you mean by the statement, the person directing their anger at us had nothing to do with us? What a good question and I will explain what I mean by the person directing their anger at you has nothing to do with you.

Keep in mind that whenever you get angry it is the result of the inability to manage the change and or misunderstanding of a condition that is before you, likewise for someone that gets angry with you. Case in point, I recently received a couple of emails from two colleagues and one of them made a suggestion about incorporating a change to their committee to assist our organization during meetings.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with making the suggestions and it was simply a matter of vetting it through other members of the organization. Unfortunately another member of our organization took exception to the recommendation and wrote a response e-mail attacking the individual that made the suggestion.

In the end, the individual that made the recommendation stated to their colleagues that they do not like each other and there is no sense in pretending and in the future, they will attend the meetings but will not have anything to say to the other person. Be mindful I am writing about two adults who happen to be parents of elementary school children.

Let us revisit my earlier statement about when someone gets angry at you do not take it personal. The fact of the matter is, just because a person makes a recommendation in their efforts to improve a situation, does not merit someone blatantly criticizing them and getting angry.

Some people reading this article will understand the individual that criticized the individual that made a recommendation has an ax to grind with their colleague. After reading the comments made by both individuals, I came to the conclusion that I needed to understand why something so simple escalated to a level of requesting to meet someone to discuss it in person with overtones of having a physical confrontation.

The individual that blatantly disrespected their colleagues recommendation had confrontations with other members of our organization and obviously has some personal issues that are more than at the surface level. I received a call from the individual who directed her anger at the recommending colleague and initially she stated she was sorry for getting to the level of wanting a face to face meeting with the other individual.

The next day, I contacted my colleague who made the recommendation to get her position on what happened. She stated anytime she recommends something it is never considered and our colleague is always trying to control things within the organization. I do not agree with her opinion, however we are all entitled to express it, but can agree to disagree.

After reading this article on anger management, it is my hope that you provide a comment to provide your assessment because what you are about to read will blow your mind. After talking to both individuals about what happened they blamed me for the e-mail argument. Let me repeat what I wrote once again, both parties to the e-mail rants blamed me for it.

First of all, I did not take their accusations personal because it had nothing to do with me. You see, toxic people are all around us and it takes a situation like the one I explained above to put it in its proper perspective. Why? I did not know what either individuals had written to one another, in fact had I not received a phone call from the colleague that wanted the face to face meeting I would not have known about the issue.

The bottom line is two adults disagreed about a recommendation that should have been given more consideration and vetted through other members of our organization. Instead one member of the organization who has a track record for creating confrontation chose to escalate the situation and take a personal shot at a colleague and was disingenuous when apologizing about meeting their colleague to possibly have a physical altercation.

In the end two adult individuals blamed me for their inability to compromise, agree to disagree and willingness to have respect for one another. I lead the organization, however we are all volunteers and as many of you know, it is about the greater good, accomplishing the mission we were all voted to do and not engage in petty slights, digs, and disrespect of a colleague.

In my leadership role, I recommended both individuals meet with me, however they both refuse to do so. What does this tell you? What it tells you is both colleagues understand in hindsight that they were wrong, but are not willing to admit it and they also know just how petty this entire situation really is.

My recommendation is for both parties attend an anger management program. Toxic people are the last to know how volatile they really are.

As stated before, provide your comment and let me know if you have ever been a party to something I just described. Adults must be more respectful of themselves, it opens the door for them respectful to others.

Paul Lawrence Vann is an inspirational speaker, author and certified professional coach. He leads Wealth Building Academy, LLC a professional speaking business with diverse clients; Fortune 500 companies, associations, government agencies, nonprofits, military and government agencies.

From Paul Lawrence Vann - committed to you being inspired, motivated and empowered.

Original article

People, Places, or Things Make Me Angry! A New Idea for Stress Management

DISCLAIMER: This article is only for people who truly want more happiness in their life, but seem to struggle with achieving that sometimes!

How many times are you going about your day, enjoying yourself. When all of a sudden... someone or something upsets you? Well you're not alone! Just look around at people as you go through your day and you'll notice many people are just cruising through life is a not so happy state.

So how does someone make you upset? There are lots of different ways... right? You get cut off in traffic, someone said something rude to you, or it's just the way someone looks at you. All of things can seem to get a reaction out of us, but how does really happen? At the same time people can seem to make us happy as well. It makes sense that if someone can make you mad, they can also make you happy.

We will start here. Have you ever had someone make you angry by something they said or did? But they happen to be a person who is a close friend who really cares about you, and upon seeing that you become upset, they want to help. If you can't forgive them, or least come off of the upset feeling this can't happen. They can try everything, apologizing, giving you a gift, a hug, etc. But you get to feel however you want to feel!

Now granted, when we have some pretty easy to know pre-set happiness triggers it's easy for people to see that. I love ice cream, so if someone brings me my favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor, it will probably give me a rise. But what if I'm on a diet, and the person bringing the gift is my best friend and knows I'm trying to get in shape and lose some weight? Then I might not react the same way. It depends how we see what has happened.

Objective reality and subjective reality are two very different things! Objective reality is what happened, and only what happened. The raw facts. So in my example, it would be... "my friend brought me Ben and Jerry's ice cream." That's all that happened. The subjective reality is what someone, or I, think about that happening. "I like that they brought me ice cream, because I like Ben and Jerry's." I get to decide whether it's good or bad. And like I stated before, most times I will like it.

So wait! If we get to decide, why do people get upset? After all, don't you want to be a happy person? And if you get to decide, why would you feel angry, upset, sad, or any other negative feeling?

Well wait just one dang second! What if my mother dies and I love her dearly? Of course I'm going to be upset... right?! Now remember, the objective reality is that your mother is no longer breathing. The subjective reality is you are upset because her longer breathing, doesn't go along with what you want. If you hated your mother, you might be happy that she is dead.

At this point, we are getting deeper. Really think about what I'm saying, let it sink in, and see if it rings true for you. If it doesn't, you won't offend me. If something rings true to you, take it with you. If not, don't listen to anything I'm saying.

So we get to decide what we feel! How cool is that. Now maybe you're saying... "OK, well that idea is all well and good, but I'm trying to be happy and it's not working! I feel like crap. I don't want to, but I do!" Why is that?

Your feelings tell the truth. Your mind will lie to you. Again, check this out for yourself. But be careful, that voice in your head may say... "This is ridiculous. This doesn't work. I want to be happy, but I feel like crap. It's not possible." Here in lies the problem!

Remember, in objective reality... something happens. Then, subjective reality is what you think about it. Objective first, then subjective. And it's your subjective thinking that will determine whether it's good or bad.

If you think that you want to be happy, but you feel sad, depressed, frustrated. Your body doesn't lie. What you feel is real, you feel it, you can't deny this. Well... you can try, but this is usually why people are so upset!

You do get to choose, but so much of what you do all the time, everyday, happens without you needing to be fully aware. Have you ever drove home from the grocery store, arrived at your house, and you don't really remember actually driving from point A to point B? Your body can do incredible things! Amazing habits that allow you to get so much done without having to think about every little function.

So if you feel something negative, this means you are thinking something negative to create that feeling!

What To Do With This Information:

Here are some exercises if you feel like you understand the concept, but want some thing to actually practice and help you feel better!

1. Check in with your body a few times a day to see how you feel. I'm talking about emotions. First start every few hours and just see. "How do I feel right now? Am I happy, am I sad, etc." Developing this inner awareness of how you really feel, separate from what you think you are is a good first step!

2. Once you are in touch with how you really feel, now you can start to see what is causing it. And by this, I mean what are you thinking to create the feeling? When something happens and you notice your emotional state changes, what ever just happened, look back at that situation. But this time, see it for what truly happened in an objective reference. This might be a little tricky at first. It's not good or bad, things just happen. Someone said, "You are stupid!" You get fired from your job. You lose your keys. All of these situations are random happenings, not good or bad. How you interpret it, what you think about it, is what will determine the feeling you have about the situation.

3. Once you get the hang of these two, now you can play around with it! When something happens and you get mad. But you notice it and you start to think about why that happened. Once you can see what you were thinking that caused that reaction, now you can change the thought. This will also change the reaction, the feeling you feel. The next time something "bad" happens, see if you can get creative and come up with some other alternative scenario that would cause that situation to be really good! Again, this can be really tricky at first, but with practice it will start to get better!

Hopefully this helps bring some light to how you feel and also gives you some simple tools to be more empowered in your day-to-day life!

As a student of life, health, and happiness, I've learned tools that seem to help my life. This article is just one piece of puzzle. Hopefully it helped you:) -Andy Techmeier

Original article

How to Deal With Angry Customers Without Losing Control

Some compare dealing with angry people with taking a lava bath. It can instantly throw you out of balance and totally ruin your day. Ancient wisdom traditions compare angry people to a house on fire. Problem is, if you are a guest, you will get burned too.

Fortunately, you can train yourself to handle any customer that you cross paths with. In order to handle upset people you must first arm yourself with a powerful mindset and a few anger management techniques. To start with, it is very beneficial to run all the possible scenarios in your head and practice different responses. This way when an actual situation arises, effectively dealing with angry customers becomes second nature. Here are a few tricks to get you going:

1. Wipe that smile (if you tend to have one). Sometimes a defensive mechanism can be smiling at a person who's angry at you. I used to do this automatically. Big mistake. Whatever you do, don't smile at them when they are angry! There's nothing more annoying to the customer than to see a smiling salesperson when they are angry.

2. First deal with the customer's feelings. Be genuine and avoid using standard scripted language like "I understand how you feel, let me see what I can do." Instead, put a bit of personality and compassion to throw them off and make them see that you genuinely care about their feelings, "Yikes, holy cow I don't what to say, this is embarrassing. (With your hand near your heart) - I'm so sorry we put you in this position."

3. Be angry with them.Yes you read this right. Hear them out and be on their side. When you match their voice tone and be angry with them (and not at them) they will subconsciously sense a friend and their frustration will ease. You will become an ally in their eyes and they may even leave the store happier than they could have expected.

4. Address the complaint by finding out what happened; allow them to tell their full story. "Can you tell me more how this happened?" Then LISTEN intensively. Look in the eyes and make sympathetic face expressions if you can. This will allow them to vent a bit more. Think about this from your own perspective, when you feel screwed at some store and find out later, you just have a storm of words to verbalize your feelings "when you get there." This builds huge internal tension and it is only released when you allow that customer to vent for a bit. Once they are calm go ahead and explain your own position as to what could have taken place.

5. Apologize profusely but firmly. Avoid sounding like a weakling as many angry types feed the feeling of having power "over" someone. Don't say "sorry" either, its way too overused. Say something "For what it's worth you, I truly apologize to put you through so much trouble. Honestly, we never meant for things to go this way. Let me see what I can do."

6. Solve their problem right away if you can or put a plan in action and set up a follow up in the near future.

In general, it is wise to not get emotional at the customer. If you weather out their emotional barrage of abusive words or complaints and remain calm they will leave embarrassed about their behavior and respect you even more. Think of a day you launched into a complaining mode and watched an awesome salesperson handle your emotional state in a calm and professional manner. Didn't you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that person when everything was said and done?

To conclude, perhaps the hardest but most effective way to deal with angry customers is to learn how to control your own anger. By knowing your own sources of anger, you will be able to relate more to others and be more compassionate. Most angry types are conditioned expect an angry response so when you respond with kindness their subconscious mind freaks out and sends a signal to them that something is wrong, "pay attention." Eventually they will succumb to a feeling of embarrassment for acting silly and their hearts will soften.

Ancient wisdom traditions advise us to follow the way of cultivating awareness and practice braking a pattern of automatic reaction to anger. Instead, you should take a moment and honestly examine why that person is angry at you. Buddha's words were: "By looking deeply you can uncover the causes that led to the person's anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you will accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and will not get angry in return. If you are without blame then you can try to see why that person has misunderstood you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true intentions. This way you will avoid causing more suffering to yourself and the other person." Be well.

Tadas N. is an expert in anger and conflict resolution and writes a resourceful blog on modern anger management techniques. It's a bible for everyone who wants to conquer their disturbing emotions. Based on his own painful experiences in the past and special knowledge of neuro-science and ancient wisdom traditions, he mentors others on how to deal with angry people and improve the quality of their relationships. Visit his site today for more awesome tips and tricks.

Original article

5 Tips to Be Angry in the Most Positive Way

Everyone has to be angry sometimes. In fact, it is important to be angry when it is needed otherwise things that are not supposed to happen will happen. Being angry that I am talking about here is being angry in a productive and positive way.

When a manager is not happy because let's say the sales team doesn't show a good performance, he needs to show them that he is unhappy and he has a right to be angry. In many cases, anger can be used to show authority. Unfortunately, the ways that most managers use to express their anger are sometimes less productive or even destructive. The question is how can we express our anger and still give positive impact to ourselves and others? How can a manager make the team want to work harder and avoid them feeling depressed or insulted?

Here are five tips according to Anthony Dio Martin, a certified hypnotherapist and a certified master of Neuro Linguistic Program (NLP) that you should remember before you lose your temper.

1 Think about the long-term impact

Many people lose opportunities because they can't control their temper. So before your anger explodes, take a few seconds and think! Make sure your action or words will not give worse impact in the future. You don't want to lose potential customers simply because they ask lots of questions and you're not happy with it. You don't want to lose a friend or receive poor performance assessment from your boss because of your uncontrolled words. So always take a few seconds, breath, control your mind.

2 Don't let your anger ruin your self-esteem

The second thing you should keep in mind is while you're angry you still have to keep your reputation. People may lose their respect in you because of your rage. Be careful with the words you use. Avoid swearing! Don't get yourself used to it. Your words are your behavior, your behavior becomes your habit, your habit becomes your character, and that is how people see you.

3 Don't let your anger harm other's esteem

If you think you can solve a problem by being furious at others, think again. Especially if you only point out people's mistake and make them look bad. Being rude and look down on them will only mirror you back. Things can also become more complicated when the people you are mad at, cannot accept your attitude.

4 Your anger should give positive impact

This is the hard part. When you are not satisfied with your employees' performance you have to show them you aren't happy but still have to motivate them to work harder. Instead of just showing you're furios, saying something like "You guys are the best sales team that I've worked with but I am completely unhappy. You know why? Because this sales report doesn't show your real ability. This is unacceptable. You just let our competitor take our potential customers, you are far better than that!" will be a great wake-up call! At the end you give them confidence and they will feel they owe you and will want to give their best.

5 When you're angry, give solution, not just an expression of your anger.

Sometimes people make mistakes because they don't know what to do or how to do things right. So being furious and not showing the solution will not improve the situation. Instead of just yelling and pointing out the mistakes, give the solution so it won't happen again. Explain in which way this mistake can be avoided and make sure the person who made the mistake understand so that it won't be repeated.

Keep in mind that there isn't any quick path to changing your reaction when deals with a situation. It takes a lot of practice and focus. So next time something wrong happens, take few seconds and think.

If you are looking for a great resource for your daily inspiration and motivation you can visit my blog at http://inspirationalquote-s.com/

Original article

What Are You So Angry About?

Every so often, I notice I am surrounded by angry people. People start slamming doors, cutting me off in traffic, and even the movies I watch seem to have angry characters! When that happens, it is the perfect time to stop, pause, and self-reflect. After all, what is around us is always inside us, and if I am noticing angry people, there's an angry Dr. Saira somewhere inside me, waiting to be acknowledged. I grew up around chronically angry people, and through my personal and professional research, have learned a lot about anger. Read on to learn how to identify your own anger, and what to do with it. This is an especially important read if you don't think of your self as angry, because the deeper your anger is buried, the more freeing it will be when you finally get it out of your system!

1. Admit It

The first step through anger is to actually admit that you get angry sometimes. We would think it strange if someone said, "I never get sad", or "I never get excited." Yet so many people go around claiming they never get angry. Anger is an emotion, just like sadness or joy, and it is only natural to feel angry sometimes. When you don't admit to feeling angry, the people around you have to act it out for you to be in energetic balance. That is a lot of pressure to put on your loved ones! Because it is easy enough to judge someone else for being angry. In relationships, the person who is visibly angry seems out of control, irrational, and even childish, and it is often easier to point a finger and call them crazy rather than taking responsibility for your own anger. Each one of us has anger inside (unless you happen to be an enlightened being or a hermit!).

For some, anger is like hot burning coals, never flaring up but always seething in the background. For others, anger is a volcano, waiting for the next opportunity to erupt. And for those with chronic anger challenges, anger is like a raging fire, burning down everything in it's path, even on good days. Anger can show itself in many ways, from barbed comments or sarcastic observations all the way to actually punching a wall or a person. When you can actually admit that you know what anger feels like, it frees the people around you and makes you more real. Now, you can also overdo it, and make your anger an excuse for your behaviours. Beware of this strategy, as it is your ego's way of making excuses so you don't have to actually resolve your anger issues. While anger is natural, it is not a license to act in unethical and harmful ways.

2. Know your Style

There are different ways people behave when they are angry. You may get very quiet, giving death looks to the person that upset you. On the other hand, you may retreat inside yourself, unwilling to come out and join the party even when the "bad-guy" has said sorry a hundred times. You may get very vocal, telling everyone you know what made you angry and what you are going to do about it. You may be confrontational, addressing the issue right away, or leave it alone, only to bring it up years later at the most inopportune time. Perhaps you are the type that abruptly leaves the house, car, or office, takes some time to cool off, then returns like nothing happened (this one drives your loved ones bonkers, by the way). Perhaps you have healthy ways of dealing with your anger, such as journalling, going for a run, or screaming in to a pillow (that last one is still a bit dramatic, and there are better ways!).

But when you are really under pressure, when you are tired, hungry, broke, and grouchy, and nothing is working out right, that is when you will tend to go to your childhood ways of dealing with anger. The key to knowing your style is honesty. Because when you are really angry, I mean seriously steam-coming-out-of-the-ears fuming, you will probably feel like you are about two years old. And what do two-year olds do with their anger? They throw tantrums! Tantrums are very useful at two, as they allow the little body and voice of a two year old to expel the emotional energy that would otherwise be blocked. Tantrums in adults are not so healthy, nor are they attractive. Knowing your style will prepare you so you don't slip into two-year-old mode, and then you actually have healthy alternatives to express your anger.

3. Promise No Harm

Feeling your full range of emotions is good for your health. People who can't access their emotions often get physical manifestations of their pent up feelings, which is why late onset of chronic illness is so pervasive in our culture. Those who are stoic will often have their lives fall apart at some crucial point, as the Self is always striving for balance, and emotional health is as important as any other aspect of personhood. On the other side of the coin, there are those who indulge in their emotions, who are so mired in lower level emotions that they never get to the happier emotions. When coming to a balance point with emotional health, it is crucial to promise no harm. This means you take full responsibility of your feelings. Stop blaming other people for how you feel! No one can make you angry, they can only activate the anger that is already inside of you. Promise yourself and the people you love that you will not cause harm, and expressing anger becomes a safe and accessible exercise.

4. Use the Tools

There are countless programs to help with anger issues. Most models have two things in common: pace and space. Pace is about slowing things down. When acute, targeted anger is involved, things tend to move really fast, and that is when unforgivable things are said or done. Slow it down when you are angry. That could mean counting to ten (a great one for men), humming a tune inside your head, or bringing your focus to something beautiful in the room. Slow down your words, slow down your actions, and slow down your breathing. The breathing is a really important one, as deep breaths create a calming effect in the body. Space is about taking the space you need.

It is healthy to leave a situation if you feel like ore harm will come by staying. They key is to tell the other person when you will be back! Otherwise, the issue never gets resolved, and the other person is left without closure. Another way space can help is simply to move into another room. If you are arguing in the family room, gently move to the kitchen. Ideally, make yourself sit down during an argument, as it will naturally relax the whole atmosphere. Try not to have heated discussions in a confined space (such as a car!), as it can make the other person feel trapped and therefore defensive.

Anger is normal and natural. It is when we over-indulge in it or deny it completely that it becomes problematic. Follow the tips above, and you will be on your way to cope better and more effectively with the angry people in your life (and your own anger, of course!).

And Dr. Saira provides tools to manage anger through seminars, presentations, and a free newsletter. For more information visit http://talktosaira.com/

Original article