People, Places, or Things Make Me Angry! A New Idea for Stress Management

DISCLAIMER: This article is only for people who truly want more happiness in their life, but seem to struggle with achieving that sometimes!

How many times are you going about your day, enjoying yourself. When all of a sudden... someone or something upsets you? Well you're not alone! Just look around at people as you go through your day and you'll notice many people are just cruising through life is a not so happy state.

So how does someone make you upset? There are lots of different ways... right? You get cut off in traffic, someone said something rude to you, or it's just the way someone looks at you. All of things can seem to get a reaction out of us, but how does really happen? At the same time people can seem to make us happy as well. It makes sense that if someone can make you mad, they can also make you happy.

We will start here. Have you ever had someone make you angry by something they said or did? But they happen to be a person who is a close friend who really cares about you, and upon seeing that you become upset, they want to help. If you can't forgive them, or least come off of the upset feeling this can't happen. They can try everything, apologizing, giving you a gift, a hug, etc. But you get to feel however you want to feel!

Now granted, when we have some pretty easy to know pre-set happiness triggers it's easy for people to see that. I love ice cream, so if someone brings me my favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor, it will probably give me a rise. But what if I'm on a diet, and the person bringing the gift is my best friend and knows I'm trying to get in shape and lose some weight? Then I might not react the same way. It depends how we see what has happened.

Objective reality and subjective reality are two very different things! Objective reality is what happened, and only what happened. The raw facts. So in my example, it would be... "my friend brought me Ben and Jerry's ice cream." That's all that happened. The subjective reality is what someone, or I, think about that happening. "I like that they brought me ice cream, because I like Ben and Jerry's." I get to decide whether it's good or bad. And like I stated before, most times I will like it.

So wait! If we get to decide, why do people get upset? After all, don't you want to be a happy person? And if you get to decide, why would you feel angry, upset, sad, or any other negative feeling?

Well wait just one dang second! What if my mother dies and I love her dearly? Of course I'm going to be upset... right?! Now remember, the objective reality is that your mother is no longer breathing. The subjective reality is you are upset because her longer breathing, doesn't go along with what you want. If you hated your mother, you might be happy that she is dead.

At this point, we are getting deeper. Really think about what I'm saying, let it sink in, and see if it rings true for you. If it doesn't, you won't offend me. If something rings true to you, take it with you. If not, don't listen to anything I'm saying.

So we get to decide what we feel! How cool is that. Now maybe you're saying... "OK, well that idea is all well and good, but I'm trying to be happy and it's not working! I feel like crap. I don't want to, but I do!" Why is that?

Your feelings tell the truth. Your mind will lie to you. Again, check this out for yourself. But be careful, that voice in your head may say... "This is ridiculous. This doesn't work. I want to be happy, but I feel like crap. It's not possible." Here in lies the problem!

Remember, in objective reality... something happens. Then, subjective reality is what you think about it. Objective first, then subjective. And it's your subjective thinking that will determine whether it's good or bad.

If you think that you want to be happy, but you feel sad, depressed, frustrated. Your body doesn't lie. What you feel is real, you feel it, you can't deny this. Well... you can try, but this is usually why people are so upset!

You do get to choose, but so much of what you do all the time, everyday, happens without you needing to be fully aware. Have you ever drove home from the grocery store, arrived at your house, and you don't really remember actually driving from point A to point B? Your body can do incredible things! Amazing habits that allow you to get so much done without having to think about every little function.

So if you feel something negative, this means you are thinking something negative to create that feeling!

What To Do With This Information:

Here are some exercises if you feel like you understand the concept, but want some thing to actually practice and help you feel better!

1. Check in with your body a few times a day to see how you feel. I'm talking about emotions. First start every few hours and just see. "How do I feel right now? Am I happy, am I sad, etc." Developing this inner awareness of how you really feel, separate from what you think you are is a good first step!

2. Once you are in touch with how you really feel, now you can start to see what is causing it. And by this, I mean what are you thinking to create the feeling? When something happens and you notice your emotional state changes, what ever just happened, look back at that situation. But this time, see it for what truly happened in an objective reference. This might be a little tricky at first. It's not good or bad, things just happen. Someone said, "You are stupid!" You get fired from your job. You lose your keys. All of these situations are random happenings, not good or bad. How you interpret it, what you think about it, is what will determine the feeling you have about the situation.

3. Once you get the hang of these two, now you can play around with it! When something happens and you get mad. But you notice it and you start to think about why that happened. Once you can see what you were thinking that caused that reaction, now you can change the thought. This will also change the reaction, the feeling you feel. The next time something "bad" happens, see if you can get creative and come up with some other alternative scenario that would cause that situation to be really good! Again, this can be really tricky at first, but with practice it will start to get better!

Hopefully this helps bring some light to how you feel and also gives you some simple tools to be more empowered in your day-to-day life!

As a student of life, health, and happiness, I've learned tools that seem to help my life. This article is just one piece of puzzle. Hopefully it helped you:) -Andy Techmeier

Original article

Why People Bully

Can you imagine what it would be like to be a bully? To consciously go about picking on certain people whom you perceive as being weaker than you in one form or another? Can you imagine the sense of pleasure you'd get when you manage intimidate such people in your interactions, being able to make that person nervous, stressed, etc whenever you like? Yet at the same time, can you imagine often feeling deep feelings of envy towards some of these people?

If you find it hard imagine what it would be like than you are not alone. Most ordinary folk would find such a lifestyle alien to them. Fortunately most people aren't bullies and never have being (and likely never to be). Unfortunately not everyone is a decent person, in that they are bullies and if you could step into their minds, would see that secretly they do live similar to the one you tried to imagine.

So what is it that drives a person to become a bully? Unfortunately there are many different reasons but one core reason which I personally don't think holds any weight is the idea that bullies simply suffer from low self-esteem and so need compassion and help, not punishing. Now I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life when my esteem levels weren't particularly high, but never did I turn into a bully. Furthermore, I know a few people whose level of worth is quite low, but they certainly aren't bullies either.

So what are the reasons driving a person to be a bully? Well there are many reasons and theories for why people bully and naturally not all bullies are going to behave for the same reason. Yet the sum of all these reasons is that they as human are basically emotionally stunted. By emotionally stunted, I mean they lack any sort of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Emotional Intelligence is basically defined as the ability or capacity to perceive, assess, and manage the emotions of one's self, and of others. So it is a low level if EQ which can make one end up as a bully. Research by the experts on Emotional Intelligence has shown that there is a correlation between levels of EQ and bullying.

So what causes one to have low EQ or to put it in layman terms be emotionally stunted? Well there are probably just as many reasons as why people bully, but the all the possible reasons would fall under two categories, Nature and Nurture. While some emotionally stunted people behave this way because they have being brought up that way (perhaps taught by parents or peers when a child that this behaviour gets you what you want) some are bullies due to their genetics.

Now don't get me wrong here, I am no ways advocating that there is a gene which makes a person become a bully. Rather nature has made the person so that they might have some sort of neurological problem which causes them to lack deeper understanding of emotions (especially in others) and as such, the possibility of acting like a bully becomes more accessible to them. Possible examples of such people may include narcissists and definitely sociopaths, whose brain images have shown, are neurologically wired differently to the rest of us.

Whatever the reasons for bullying, I believe that it shouldn't be tolerated and if the bully was conscious enough to know what they were doing, than they should be held accountable for their behaviour.

Alex Gadd

Author of Beat The Bully: A Guide To Dealing With Adult Bullying and also the creator of the accompanying site to the book http://www.beat-the-bully-book.com/

Original article